PTSD

I have read a few really good articles about parents who had children in the NICU and how they struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder now that their NICU life is over. 

I kid around and say yeah... that's me, but the truth is Yes! That is me!

I live maybe 2 miles from the hospital that sent me out by helicopter to a bigger hospital with a level 3 NICU. I am fortunate that my local hospital acted quickly and got me to a hospital that could actually give me the level of care I needed and the girls needed, but man do I HATE the sound of the helicopter now. 

I can hear the helicopter clear as day from my house and I cringe when I hear it. It's like the helicopters path is directly above my house. Whenever I hear the helicopter I am immediately reminded of all the hard times. It's very strange how I can be having a completely normal day and then BOOM here comes the stupid helicopter. 

My journey began with a terrifying helicopter ride, so I assume that is the connection.  Literally right as the helicopter paramedics moved me from the hospital bed to their gurney my water broke. I was 23 weeks pregnant. 

The helicopter ride took about 20 minutes. The crew was amazing and so kind to me. It was like they were angles sent to calm me down and comfort me. Along the way I got so scared and nervous the medic had to remind me to breathe and they had to give me oxygen. The medics were amazing, but the flight terrified me. I couldn't see out the window because I had to lay completely flat.  I just kept thinking the whole ride  ...this is bad... I am on a helicopter and they only send people out on helicopters when it is bad.... This is bad...

Once the helicopter landed I was taken to a pregnancy ICU area. Women there were all experiencing some type of serious medical problem while pregnant. For example, the woman in the bed next to me needed some type of surgery while she was pregnant. 

I stayed in the ICU area for 3 days. Those 3 days were the hardest part of my bed rest. I couldn't eat, couldn't drink, and I had a catheter.  I also had to stay on a delivery bed. And boy are they uncomfortable. 

While I was in the ICU a NICU doctor came to visit me. She went over in detail the seriousness of my situation. She went over all the terrifying statistics and all the many medical complications that can occur when you have a preemie. Several of the things she mentioned actually happened, but despite their extreme prematurity my girls still have done well. 

About 2 weeks after Abigail was home from the NICU she ended up getting her second hernia. She had to me transferred by helicopter to Children's in DC. If you are counting friends, that's 2 helicopter rides in 6 months. Ridiculous!  That was also a horrific experience for me and yet again there is another helicopter involved.  It's one thing for me to have to be transferred by helicopter, but seeing your child get sent off is a miserable experience that I can't even put into words. 

So fast forward to today. My

beautiful girls are now a year and a half and they are just amazing little people. I can already tell my "PTSD" is getting better and I think the time passing by is helping. When I hear the helicopter coming I don't see flashes of images from my scary 3 days in the ICU and I don't vividly

remember the look on the nurses and paramedics face when my water broke. I now just get a sinking feeling in my gut. It still really bothers me, but I try to focus on the positive and remember how blessed I am. 

The truth is even though I have been through a truly awful situation it could've been worse. And not to mention I really like the person I am today. I am stronger, more compassionate, and thankful. I just have some minor details to work out that's all.

 I just pray no more helicopter rides. 

And now some cute pics.